I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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