my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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