I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Blood and glitter go together right?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
