cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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