once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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