I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
