Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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