How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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