My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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