Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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