i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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