ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize