Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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