Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Even my vagina gasped.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
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