I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
