Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
People in love make me want to vomit
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
