He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
