tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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