I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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