She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize