If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
