just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
