yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
