if i can run in heels then i can drive
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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