I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
