Cold hands, warm shart.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
