NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
