this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
