omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
