i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
