Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
