I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
