omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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