R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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