at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
