My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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