Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
