I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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