There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
