I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
