ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
