you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
