I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
