Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
