I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
4 words: hood of his car
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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