ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
