my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
