I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
