Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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