I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
