I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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