My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
