My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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