I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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