they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
