I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
